Movie Review #2

The two-hundred-million-dollar movie Crazy Climber will definitely entertain an audience too young to remember the source material: a 1980s arcade videogame where some guy scales the outside of a skyscraper while dodging closing windows, falling flowerpots, and other obstacles. Bro-centric comedian Reggie Glenn plays the title character, here named Ace Foley, an aging fratboy content to spend his days holed up in his parents’ basement, watching cyberporn with his buddies Stanky and Toker while listening to classic rock. Until one day—oh, God. Oh God, oh God, oh God. Ugggghhhhh. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. Crap crap crap crap. Crap crap crap crap crap. American culture has entered an irreversible decline. If we don’t drown due to the melting icecaps, or die of radiation poisoning due to nuclear war, we’ll cause our brains to shrivel due to the obnoxious entertainment churned out by—hey, who are you? What are you—POW POW BASH BASH BASH KICK KICK POW PUMMEL BLEED BLEED BLEED—Hello. May I spend a few minutes telling you about the acclaimed author Ayn Rand and her philosophy of Objectivism? Essentially—JSGBCSKWIOI347KFKDGF;Q.WKR—and with an Eighties-rock soundtrack and an endless amount of CGI-aided battle scenes, Crazy Climber should appeal to an audience looking for the latest in comic-book-style fun.

Copyright © 2015 by David V. Matthews

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Doonesbury Meets Cabaret

I think most people knew President Reagan had Alzheimer’s as early as his first term. He couldn’t remember anything, couldn’t string two words together without a script, and couldn’t distinguish between fantasy and reality.  Yet in 1984, the Democrats never made an issue of his mental fitness, thus helping him win reelection that year in a landslide.  My mother, a lifelong liberal, compared him that year to a community crafts project: an ugly, garish, Popsicle-stick-and-Elmer’s-glue ashtray everyone—Democrat and Republican, male and female, rich and poor (well, mostly rich)—had helped build and had to pretend represented something worthwhile, otherwise someone’s self-esteem would suffer.  My mother died of a heart attack in 1987 at age fifty-eight; I still miss her, but I particularly miss the political talks we’d have at her apartment, during which I’d feel a little guilty about knowing I’d use her observations, often word-for-word, for the comic strip (think Doonesbury meets Cabaret) I drew for the local weekly queer paper, a pretty radical rag, complete with socialist politics and gay porn reviews.  I never told her about the comic strip, nor did I ever tell her my sexual orientation, though she had probably inferred the latter due to my lifelong bachelorhood; most of my male classmates from high school (class of ’70) had already married, divorced, and remarried.  After her death, I abandoned cartooning and went into real estate. I haven’t drawn since, not that I’ve denied the world much in the way of artistic talent, though I suppose flipping houses in this economy takes talent of a sort.

(Fiction written on the spot this afternoon)

Copyright © 2015 by David V. Matthews

Flash fiction (a hundred words or fewer) #1: MTV and the Ache of Adolescent Loneliness

As a teenager, I’d ride the subway at rush hour just to lunge into shapely young women from behind.  I thought my black topcoat hid my response, so to speak.  “Sorry,” I’d tell them.  They’d smile at me nervously.  God knows how I never got beaten up or arrested.  After getting home, I’d race to my bedroom and finish myself off, then sing along in a goofy, sarcastic voice to the lame MTV videos on my portable set.  Today, on my Internet dating profile, I call myself “a pioneer in the land of kink.”  Time can imbue anything with nostalgia.

© 2014 David V. Matthews

The Devil’s Dandruff (fiction)

“I was born and raised in West Aliquippa, a town north of Pittsburgh,” Pastor Blake Summers said.  “My dad worked at the town’s main employer, the J&L steel mill.  Everyone’s dad worked at the mill.  When my friends graduated from high school, they went to work in the mill.  When I graduated from high school, I went into rock music….You decide who made the better career choice.”

The audience chuckled.  Pastor Summers was speaking at a two-thousand-dollar-a-plate fundraising dinner for the Righteous Inheritors in September 2008.  The Righteous Inheritors were one of the newest and most influential conservative Christian groups in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

“After graduating from high school, I moved to America’s most glamorous city, heh heh, Los   Angeles, to become a rock musician,” he continued.   “Let’s skip over the years of struggle and get right to the fame and fortune, shall we?”

The audience chuckled.

“For those of you who don’t know, during the 1980s, I was in a Los Angeles band called Asgard Viper.”

Scattered applause from the audience.

“A few headbangers in the audience.  How nice.  Anyway, true fact, I came up with the name Asgard Viper.  You see, I liked reading comic books, and my favorite was Thor, about these Norse gods who lived in a kingdom called Asgard.  Needless to say, these were mythological gods, not like the real thing, God himself.”

Applause from the audience.

“I added the Viper part because I thought it sounded cool.”

Laughter from the audience.

“So, anyway, we released four albums from 1984 to ’89, all smashes.  Our singles always made the top-ten.  Our videos always played on MTV, back when it played videos.  And we had extremely successful tours.  We had once played in crummy bars to audiences of five people, but now we sold out entire stadiums.  We even sold out Three Rivers Stadium, our proudest achievement.”

Applause from the audience.

“So you’re Steelers fans, huh?  I knew I was among friends.”

Sustained applause from the audience.

“All right, thanks, but back to my story….By 1989, we had reached the height of our fame.  We had it all.  Correction—my bandmates had it all.  But as the lead singer, lead guitarist, and chief songwriter of the group, I had more.  I had more money, much more money; in retrospect, I have to say thank God for the Reagan tax cuts.”

Vigorous applause from the audience.

“I owned eight limos, a different one for each day of the week, Beatles-style.  Get it?”

Sparse laughter from the audience.

“I lived in a mansion, one of the largest ones in L.A.—twenty-four thousand square feet, plenty of room to party.  I had marble floors and gold chandeliers and a giant wine cellar.  I even had a Jacuzzi that could seat the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and their cousins.”

Laughter from the audience.

“Though the Jacuzzi tended to have groupies and strippers in it instead.  Sorry to disappoint you choir music aficionados.”

The pastor sipped his bottled water.

“So anyway, in 1989, our group’s latest album, Sticky Situation, had reached number one, our first and only album to do that.  Its lead single, ‘Babe University,’ had reached number one, our first and only song to do that.  I wrote that song, and I actually felt proud of its sleazy, sinful lyrics.  Today that song is G-rated compared to the other stuff on the radio, but back then, I wanted to bring the culture down to my level, so I wouldn’t feel lonely in leading a licentious lifestyle.”

Scattered laughter from the audience.

“In 1989, at the very height of our fame, or infamy, we were about to launch our latest and greatest world tour, complete with the latest and greatest lasers, more lasers than Floyd night at the planetarium.”

Scattered laughter from the audience.

“But then—”

Pause.

“—the Behind the Music stuff began.”

Pause.

“I’d like to quote a Biblical passage you might find familiar….‘Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God?’ ”

Applause from the audience.

“Wait, there’s more.  ‘Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.’  First Corinthians, chapter six, verses nine and ten….Well, when I was a rock star, you couldn’t call me effeminate.  And you certainly couldn’t call me an abuser of mankind, if you know what I mean.  But otherwise, that passage from First Corinthians perfectly describes my behavior back then.  If I told you all the depraved things I’d done during the Nineteen-Eighties, we’d be here until the Twenty-Eighties, but since you have this hall only for tonight, I’ll try not to go into too much detail.”

The audience chuckled.

“But I have to tell you, as First Corinthians would put it, I was a drunkard.  A sloppy, obnoxious, puke-on-my-shoes-and-pass-out-cold drunkard.  It didn’t matter what I drank, as long as I could drink lots of it.  I guzzled enough booze every day to float ten Titanics and even more booze every night.  And of course, it wouldn’t be the Eighties without cocaine—oh, dear God, the cocaine.  Coke, the devil’s dandruff, made me energetic and confident at first.  Then it made me crazy and paranoid.  I had epic tantrums.  I got into fistfights with the other band members.  I got into fistfights with total strangers.  I kicked dogs—no, really, I kicked dogs, I’m sorry to say.  Any dog would do, though the small ones, like Chihuahuas, tended to cover more distance when I booted ’em, which filled me with a sense of accomplishment.”

Not a sound from the audience.

“And worst of all, I even seriously thought the Lord God himself envied my talent and wanted to steal my song ideas.  The Lord God himself.  I mean, really.  What would someone like him do with my dumb rock-and-roll songs?…Plus everyone knows God prefers country music anyway.”

Laughter and applause from the audience.

“So anyway, in 1989, two days before our tour would start, my bandmates staged an intervention.  They gave me a choice: either go into rehab, or take a permanent hike.  You can guess what I did.  The record company put out an official press release saying I’d left the band due to that old favorite, quote, ‘creative differences,’ unquote.  But it was pretty much an open secret that the other band members had kicked me out because I was an addict who had grown way, way out of control.  But I didn’t care.  At least I had more time to party.  However, the more I partied, the worse I felt, and the worse I felt, the more I partied.  That’s what they call a vicious circle, as in circling the drain.  This went on and on.  I didn’t work, but I spent money like a maniac.  It didn’t take me long to lose all my money, just a year in fact, and when I did, I lost my so-called friends.  And as for the groupies and strippers, hah, they disappeared even faster.  No help from anyone to pay off my debts, and I had a lot of them.  I paid off whatever I could by selling my limos, my mansion, my guitars, and almost everything else I owned.  Buh-bye, Jacuzzi.  I moved to a squalid motel room outside of Hollywood, where I barely survived on record royalties, and I continued to party every night, alone.”

The pastor sipped his bottled water.

“Then one night in 1992…It was three A.M., and I was in my motel room, alone as usual. It was the hottest night of the year, and the air conditioner had broken, of course.  I was soaked with sweat as I lay on the floor naked, freaking out because I didn’t have any booze or coke, because I didn’t have a cent to buy booze or coke or food for that matter; I hadn’t eaten in two days.  I didn’t have any money, and I didn’t have any friends or career.  I didn’t even have a guitar anymore.  I didn’t have anything.  Well, I kept freaking out, trying to think of a way to solve my problems.  Then it hit me.  I wouldn’t have any problems if I didn’t exist.  So I decided to end it all.  Sure, why not?  I was just a has-been.  No one would miss me.  Might as well get wasted with Satan for eternity.  But how would I commit suicide?  I didn’t have a gun.  I didn’t have any pills.  There wasn’t anything to hang myself from.  And the motel was one story, so I couldn’t jump.”

Pause.

“The razor blade.  I could slit my wrists with the razor blade I used to cut my coke.”

A gasp from the audience.

“I got up from the floor and picked up the razor blade from the nightstand.  I ran a hot bath and sat in it.  I held the razor blade with my right hand.  The blade pressed into my left wrist.  Remember, cut vertically, not horizontally, I thought….Okay, might as well take one last look around the bathroom, the last things I’d see on Earth.  I looked at the toilet, the sink, the bar of soap on the sink, the empty towel rack.  Then my eyes moved to the small framed picture hanging on the wall in front of me, to the side of the tub.  Someone must have wanted to class up the place.  The picture was this full-color drawing of a blurry desert landscape, lots of blinding sunlight, a few cacti, with some jagged cliffs in the background.  Typical motel art.  I must have seen it a thousand times.  But now, as I sat in the tub, about to open my vein, I…I kept looking at that picture.  The more I looked at it, the more something just, I don’t know how to put it, illuminated my mind.  It was like the sunshine went into my soul.  I wasn’t religious, but for the first time, I knew for sure God was speaking to me without saying any words.  God spoke to me for just a few seconds, but they were the best few seconds of my life.  He told me I had so much to give.  He told me not to throw away everything I had.  He told me to embrace his son, the Lord Jesus Christ, and to help others embrace Jesus.  In short, he, God, told me to live….I didn‘t slit my wrists.  Instead, I placed the razor blade onto the edge of the tub.  Then I sat in the tub and cried for thirty minutes, tears of joy, because I knew I was born again.”

Sustained applause from the audience.

“The next day, God continued to look after me, because I received a royalty check in the mail.  First I got something to eat, then I escaped L.A.’s degeneracy by flying back to West Aliquippa.  I got clean at the Gateway Rehabilitation Center, started witnessing, and today, I’m the pastor of the Great Wonder Evangelical Church, the area’s biggest and best megachurch.”

Applause from the audience.

“I can honestly tell you I don’t miss the fame and fortune, because I feel blessed in infinite ways working as a servant of the Lord.  Great Wonder took a chance, hiring a former rock star like me with such a wild past.  But they knew I could perform my job, because I had sunshine in my soul.  Because I’d escaped a living hell and knew how to help other people escape.  I’m proof that anyone can receive the grace of God.  Anyone.”

Pause.

“Well, okay, the jury’s still out on Barack Hussein Obama.”

Extended laughter and rapturous applause from the audience.

Copyright © 2013 by David V. Matthews

(revised and expanded version posted on September 3, 2013) (and a few more alterations on September 13, 2013)

Song Lyrics #1: Has-been Party

I dreamed I had a has-been party / Everyone was there / Mason Reese and Donna Rice / And the Flock of Seagulls guy / You know, the guy with the hair

Everyone drank / To each other’s comeback attempt / You were never a star / So don’t rag on them

I dreamed I had a has-been party / Everyone was there / Stacey Q and Mr. T / And Monica Lewinsky / Oh, and don’t forget Liz Phair

Everyone drank / To each other’s reality show / You don’t have one / Which means your life blows

Why can’t I dream about bananas / Or a night in Havana?

But no, I had to dream about a has-been party

© 2011 David V. Matthews

December 4, 1998/August 22, 2011