Washington, DC, January 20, 2017: Bernie Sanders took the oath of office today as America’s first socialist president. In the inaugural address that followed, he metaphorically reached across the aisle to his opponents in both major parties. “I hope we can put last year’s heated and at times extremely negative presidential race behind us, so we can all work together to improve our nation,” he said. “Centrism is what we need now. Only by compromising, by ending bipartisanship, can we hope to look forward, not backward.” Sanders talked about his “goals for the first hundred days–goals that everyone on the political spectrum can get behind,” from “doubling the defense budget” to “slashing taxes for the wealthy who built our country” to “cracking down on those no-good welfare bums.” He also voiced his support for passing Constitutional amendments making “the evils of abortion and homosexuality” capital offenses, adding “I promise to do everything I can to ramp up all executions, because we don’t execute enough criminals in this country for the death penalty to be effective.” He concluded his address by leaning close to the microphone and almost whispering “And as for you blacks–wait’ll I get through with you, hee hee hee”–a line that drew an enthusiastic standing ovation from the attendees.
Most pundits had nothing but praise for the new president’s speech, citing his determination to transcend partisan politics.
In other news–does Jennifer Aniston have a new boyfriend?
Copyright © 2015 by David V. Matthews