Players’ roster

During the past eight days, I have purchased three consecutive portable CD players: one used model, followed by two new ones, all three from more-or-less respectable corporate entities.  I didn’t want to endure another day at my otherwise wonderful job without listening to high-quality music from my collection.

The first player, from Sony, stopped playing after half a day; the second player, from Craig (a less-respectable company that does produce inexpensive products aimed no doubt at desperate non-tycoons such as yours truly), had tap-dancing-crickets-in-a-hailstorm sound quality and stopped operating after ten seconds; the third player, from Memorex, lasted almost a day before expiring.  Also, based upon additional audio evidence, all three hunks-of-junk skipped more that I did in junior high school.  (You might or might not have despised my adolescent self.)

I’ve owned portable CD players, mostly for work usage, since 2006 but have started encountering substandard ones only in the past two or three years, during the height of the corporately-hyped MP3 revolution, when the iPod people proliferated, leaving behind those pathetic losers who still clung to those often less-expensive contraptions that played, ugh, aluminum discs.  Sony et alia must have consciously decided to manufacture shoddy portable CD players to encourage me and other relics to fork out the simoleons for i-style devices; format changes always result in huge profits for the perpetrators of said changes.  However, considering I like corporeal recording media due to my antediluvian object-centric upbringing, I’ll have to continue my struggle to find a working portable CD player, not that I necessarily believe compact discs offer the ultimate in aural pleasure.  Like those diehards and/or hipsters who embrace vinyl records, I want to preserve the memory of those shiny gray coasters for nostalgic and contrarian reasons.

Copyright © 2015 by David V. Matthews

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And now, NEWS OF THE FUTURE!

Washington, DC, January 20, 2017: Bernie Sanders took the oath of office today as America’s first socialist president.  In the inaugural address that followed, he metaphorically reached across the aisle to his opponents in both major parties.  “I hope we can put last year’s heated and at times extremely negative presidential race behind us, so we can all work together to improve our nation,” he said.  “Centrism is what we need now.  Only by compromising, by ending bipartisanship, can we hope to look forward, not backward.”  Sanders talked about his “goals for the first hundred days–goals that everyone on the political spectrum can get behind,” from “doubling the defense budget” to “slashing taxes for the wealthy who built our country” to “cracking down on those no-good welfare bums.”  He also voiced his support for passing Constitutional amendments making “the evils of abortion and homosexuality” capital offenses, adding “I promise to do everything I can to ramp up all executions, because we don’t execute enough criminals in this country for the death penalty to be effective.”  He concluded his address by leaning close to the microphone and almost whispering “And as for you blacks–wait’ll I get through with you, hee hee hee”–a line that drew an enthusiastic standing ovation from the attendees.

Most pundits had nothing but praise for the new president’s speech, citing his determination to transcend partisan politics.

In other news–does Jennifer Aniston have a new boyfriend?

Copyright © 2015 by David V. Matthews